Unless I’m at a Birth: The Reality of Being an On-Call Doula With Three Kids

Hey, besties. Welcome back to Ally the Doula, your birth bestie for real talk.

All right, you guys, we did it. We have completed the entire Build Your Birth Team series, and that was so much fun.

I loved getting to bring all of those different professionals onto the podcast and talking about the people who can

support you during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum.

We talked through everything, and y'all, I mean everything. We talked choosing the right provider, what to look for in a doula, pelvic floor therapy, chiropractic care, lactation support, even mental health.

So if you haven't listened to those episodes yet, or you've only listened to a couple of them or part of them, this is your sign to hit pause and go back and listen.

Don't worry, I'll wait.

Okay, you're back. Great.

Now that we've talked so much about who you can have on your birth team, I thought that it would be fun to talk a little bit about what it's actually like to be a doula on the other side of that relationship, especially when it comes to being on call.

And I'm not talking being on call when you are a newer, young, single doula, which sometimes I envy.

I'm talking being on call when you are married with three children, one of which is still breastfeeding.

Because I feel like when people hear that I'm a doula, they probably picture me showing up at a birth, supporting someone through labor, helping them have their baby, and then going home, and that's kind of it.

And yes, that is obviously a very, very important part of my job, but there's so much more to it.

And being on call as a doula when you have three kids is, uh, let's just say it's an experience.

So when I tell a client, "I'm on call for you starting at around 38 weeks," that sounds pretty straightforward, right?

But what does that actually look like in real life?

Um, what happens if I'm at Target? What if we're in the middle of dinner? What if it's 2:00 AM and I'm nursing my daughter?

What Does Being On Call Actually Mean?

It basically means that from 38 weeks until they have their baby, I am there for them. So if they need me, I'm available.

And that doesn't mean that if they go into labor before thirty-eight weeks, I won't be there. Thirty-eight weeks is more just contract-wise and when a lot of doulas go officially on call.

But if baby comes early, we will do everything we can to get there.

And I know that sounds really, really simple, but when you're also a mom of three, it gets a little bit more interesting because life doesn't just stop being my life just because I'm on call.

My kids still have things that they have to do. They still have activities. They still need somebody to get them dressed in the morning and help them put their shoes on the correct feet.

We still have appointments. We still have things going on that are just part of normal life.

So there is this constant little part of my brain that's always thinking ahead.

Always thinking, "Okay, if we go here, I have my bag in the car, so we're all together. Maybe Corey and the kids could drop me off at the hospital, then I can just Uber home."

Or, "Okay, we're here. It'll take this long to get home. Then from there it'll take me this long to get to the hospital."

The fun one to add in is, okay, my husband's working today. I'm out with the kids at an appointment. How quickly can I get the kids to who is watching them, and then from there to where I need to be?

And no, I don't always think about it every second of every day, but it's always kind of just lingering there.

My Phone Is Basically My Lifeline

Unfortunately and fortunately, when it comes to being on call, the bane of my existence is my phone.

My phone is pretty much my lifeline, and when I'm on call, I have to have it with me all the time.

There's some doulas who might have a work phone or a work number linked to their phone through some app. I am not that kind of doula. I just have my cell phone.

So when clients text me, when they call me, it is just like my phone is going off like normal.

More recently, I've decided to change some of those ringtones for my clients.

So when I have a client that I'm on call for, I change their ringtone so I know if it is them calling me versus my mom calling me.

There's also something interesting about being on call and getting a phone call, because if it's one of my clients calling me, I could be in the middle of bathing my child, and all of a sudden I'm talking someone through contractions.

And on top of that, there's a very, very big difference in a text that says, "Hey, I think I lost my mucus plug," versus a partner who's texting me saying she's having contractions every two minutes.

Very, very different text messages.

And sometimes I'll get a message and immediately I'm like, "Okay, everybody remain calm. I might need to go in the next two minutes."

But then I keep reading the message or we chat a little bit longer, and I am like, "Oh, no. Okay. We have a while," and then go back to whatever I was doing.

That's kind of one of the funny things about being on call.

You have to learn not to panic every single time your phone goes off, but also be prepared.

So... What Happens With My Family?

So probably the part that most people are curious about is what in the world my family does when I get called.

Because obviously if I get called to a birth at 2:00 AM, I can't just say, "All right, kids, mom's going to a birth. Good luck."

No, we have a plan.

My husband is a very present husband. He's an amazing father, and he knows what's going on.

For the most part, he's a stay-at-home dad, and he runs the ship around here.

So he knows when I'm on call, if I get up, give him a kiss and leave, then he knows I'm going to a birth and I'll be back later.

And honestly, after doing this for a while, we've gotten pretty used to the possibility that I might have to leave at any time.

And that's kinda one of the weird things about being a doula when you're also a parent is your family just kind of becomes part of the logistics.

Not because they're actually part of the birth obviously, but because they have to be flexible around the fact that I can get a call at literally any time.

So I'd like to think that we've done pretty good at that.

When I Get the Call

So another common thing that people ask me about is if I'm doing something with my kids and my husband, and this is where reality is just entertaining, honestly.

Because I might be at Target or at a doctor's appointment or at the playground, or I might have finally sat down at 9:00 at night when my kids are finally asleep, because obviously that is when somebody goes to labor.

It's just how it works.

And I've definitely had those moments where I'm somewhere with my kids and my husband and I get a client text and think, "Oh, we gotta go. We gotta get up and leave right now."

And then suddenly all of the plans are going in my head on, "Okay, where are we? How quickly can we get home? Once we get home, how quickly can I get all my things and get over to where I need to be? Do I need to eat something? Do I have everything with me? Do I need to change my clothes? Do I need a nap? Am I struggling right now?"

And then the really annoying one is, "Do I have time to nurse my baby or do I have to pump on the way to the hospital?"

It's like this weird switch flips in my mind.

You're Never Really "Off"

And with that, something that a lot of people don't necessarily realize about being on call is that even when I'm technically off, I'm never really off.

So I can make plans and go places and live my life, which I do, but there's always that little part of my brain that is aware that a client could call me and be in labor.

And I really think that that's probably one of the hardest parts.

And it's not necessarily that I'm sitting around terrified that someone's going to go into labor all day every day.

It's more that there's this constant layer of unpredictability, and you can't completely turn it off.

And that is something that you just have to be okay with if you're going to be a birth doula because babies, as we know, do not give two craps about your plans.

They don't care if you have a wedding to go to.

They don't care if you had dinner plans.

They don't care if they are a month and a half early.

They will come whenever they want to.

The Work People Don't See

And one of the biggest things that I want people to just really understand about being a doula is that when I'm not physically at a birth or physically at a prenatal appointment with a client, I'm still working a lot.

There are obviously those prenatal appointments, but there's also phone calls, text messages, emails, contracts, invoices, all of the marketing and Instagram and Facebook and TikTok posts.

I have a whole podcast that I sit down and record for.

I have to make sure that I'm networking with other birth workers.

Shameless plug for my Triangle Birth worker co-op. If you are in the Triangle area, find us on Facebook or go to my Instagram page and you can find the link to join. I would love to get together with you and build an amazing community.

There's also making sure that you are finding backup doulas, doing any continuing education, and really just keeping up to date on everything that you should be knowing.

Doing consults for potential clients.

And then obviously the big one, actual birth.

And then postpartum.

And then I'm also a mom, and a wife, and a friend.

So there are definitely days where I'm doing business work while my kids are running around me and thinking, "Okay, this is my office today, sitting here on the couch."

And then there are days when I have dedicated time in my actual office.

And really, that's something that I didn't fully understand when I started this business. I obviously knew that I wanted to be a doula. I knew my purpose and why I wanted to do this.

However, I didn't necessarily realize I was also signing up to become a small business owner because those are two very different jobs.

The Unpredictability of Birth Work

If you are a birth doula and you think about the hardest part of your job, for me, it's the unpredictability.

You can't really schedule a birth. Obviously you can, but you get my point.

You can schedule a prenatal appointment or a podcast recording or a coffee date.

You can't schedule when someone's baby decides to come, and sometimes that's really exciting.

But sometimes it's hard because I'm also a mom and I'm also a wife, and sometimes I have to miss things.

Sometimes I have to change plans, and I have to tell my kids, "All right, Mommy has to go to a birth. I'll be back later."

And there are a lot of moments when I feel guilty.

I think any working parent understands that feeling, that you can be doing something that you love and still feel bad and feel guilty that you're missing something at home.

Both things can be true.

I can love my job, I can absolutely love being a doula, and I can still miss my kids when I'm at a birth.

And that can be extra hard because when you're at a birth, you don't know how long you're gonna be there.

I could be there for 45 minutes, or I could be there for 16 hours.

What My Kids Think About My Job

And that can be really difficult to navigate when you have kids, especially young kids.

My son is six, and he is absolutely understanding that when I have to go to work, I can't really talk all the time, or I don't know when I'm gonna be back.

He's kind of realized that when I say that I have to go, and he knows the difference between going to a meeting versus going to a birth now.

So if I say I'm going to a meeting, he knows that he can expect me back shortly.

If I say I'm going to a birth, if it's in the middle of the day, he will usually go ahead and tell me good night because he's not expecting me to be home for bedtime.

Is he happy about it?

Absolutely not.

Am I happy about it?

No, because I love my kids and I miss them all the time, even when I'm staring them in the face and asking them to stop asking me a million questions.

But he understands at the age of six that I don't know when I'm gonna be home, but I will be home.

My now four-year-old, still not really understanding that. I will tell her, "Mommy's going to a birth. I'll be back later."

She starts asking me when and gets really upset that I'm leaving, which that one is hard and we are navigating.

And then there's my nine-month-old who is obviously upset that she's not gonna get milk on tap for the next however many hours.

But as I will say a million times, I am so tremendously thankful that I have my husband here to help me and to allow me to not feel guilty and not feel any shame when I leave for births because he helps lift me up and helps me remember why I do this.

What If I'm Already at Another Birth?

All right.

There is also another thing that people don't necessarily think about, and that's what happens if I'm already at another birth.

Because obviously I am one person, I can't physically be at two births at the same time, and this is where having a really, really good backup system becomes so important.

I have other doulas that I can call if I need someone to step in.

Sometimes it might be for an hour or two until I can get there.

Sometimes they have to be at the entire birth.

And sometimes the first backup that I would call is busy, so I need other ones lined up as well.

Things happen.

I could be at another birth. I could be sick. I could have a family emergency.

There are so many different things that could be happening, which is why it is so important, and part of being a professional doula is having a plan for those situations and having a community that you can go to.

And honestly, I think that that's one of the things that people are paying for when they hire a doula.

They're paying for the comfort of knowing that someone is going to be there with them to support them.

And if you are an independent practice like me, where it's just me, myself, and I, then they expect that I will be there.

And that's why I have to be very careful about how many clients I'm accepting a month, how close due dates are, and having very, very clear communication on when I go on a trip or when I'm doing something that may conflict around their due date.

And of course, having those backups.

Why I Do This

The wild thing about being a doula is that even with all of the stress and all of the emotions that go into having to leave my family to go to a birth, the second that I walk into that room, everything kind of just clicks back into place.

And it's kind of hard to explain, but I get to walk into a room where someone is about to meet their baby for the first time.

I get to watch a partner become a parent and support somebody through something that they've probably been thinking about for months or years.

And then eventually there's a baby, and I'm reminded time and time again that this is why I do this.

Being a Mom Has Shaped How I Doula

So is being a mom part of my identity as a doula?

Absolutely.

I don't think that I could separate Ally the mom from Ally the doula even if I tried, or even if someone paid me to.

Having my own kids almost lays the framework for how I look at birth and how I look at postpartum and how I talk to parents and prepare them.

And it also helps me to realize how vulnerable this entire experience is, because I know personally what it feels like to be the person sitting there thinking and hoping that you're doing it right and having a million questions.

I've been the person who didn't know what was normal or what needed more investigation.

I've lived in a body that did not feel like my own for a very long time, and been exhausted and overwhelmed and trying to figure out how to be somebody's mom.

So when I'm sitting beside another parent going through that, I don't really think that I'm looking at them as some completely different person.

I'm looking at another mom or a dad who is figuring it out just like I did.

What My Kids Think I Do for Work

Sometimes I like to also talk about how my kids view my job because I think it's so just cute and innocent that, you know, they don't really understand where babies come from yet, but they understand that babies get here somehow.

And I just think it's hilarious to hear what my kids kind of think that I do for work because to them, I basically just go to hospitals and help babies come out.

And I mean, they're not entirely wrong, but they don't understand the whole business side of it.

They don't understand why I'm sitting at my computer or why I'm staring at my screen talking and recording a podcast.

And they really don't understand why I have a massive bag filled with a bunch of random things that I call my birth bag.

They just know that I help people have babies and honestly, I'll take that.

The Village Behind the Doula

And speaking of people not really fully understanding what doulas do, it is so important to have family and friends and that really strong support system around you so that you can do this job as a doula.

And something that I've really come to appreciate since becoming a doula is how important it is to have those people.

Because the truth is that I really could not do any part of this job and do it the way I do it, especially without the people in my life that make it possible.

My husband is a huge part of that because when I get a call in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day, he's the one who's making sure that the kids are taken care of and that their day still runs smoothly without me there.

I know that once I leave for a birth, everything will be okay at home.

I don't have to worry about if things are okay with the babysitter or if my kids are doing the things during the day that I want them to do because my husband runs the ship.

He knows exactly what to do.

And that's not really something that I talk about very much.

And that being when you hire me as your doula, you're hiring me.

But there are a lot of people behind the scenes who make it possible for me to be able to show up for you.

My husband, our family, my in-laws, people around us who help with the kids, other doulas who can be my backup when I need them, and honestly, just having people who understand that sometimes I'm going to have to drop everything and go.

And that's really important when you're doing a job like this.

You have to have people in your life who really understand that this is not in any way a typical 9:00 to 5:00 job.

It's not even a, "Okay, I'm off. We're good." Like, "I'm off the clock."

And I don't say that as a complaint in any way.

I think that it's pretty special that I have the job that I do and the schedule I do, because I don't really have a schedule.

So I get to hang out with my kids and my husband all the time.

But again, this business would not run if I didn't have those people around me who are willing to support me in doing something that I love so much.

Because when I go to a birth, I'm not just doing it for myself.

I get to be there for another family during one of the biggest moments of their lives, and knowing that the people that I love are helping make that possible means the world to me.

Why Community Matters in Birth Work

And that's another reason why I created the Triangle Birth worker Co-op is because birth work is one of those jobs where you really have to understand that you're part of a bigger community.

And I don't wanna be the doula who thinks that I have to do everything myself.

I wanna be the doula who people can call and people can go to for questions or for help.

And I want my clients to know that if something unexpected happens, that there's a plan, and that I will be there for them, and I'll be there for other doulas and other birth workers who need me.

And that is one of the coolest things about birth work.

Like, yes, I'm the person who gets the phone call and grabs my bag and heads out the door, but there's also a whole little village behind that, and I'm very, very grateful for mine.

What You're Really Hiring a Doula For

I think if there's one thing that I really want people to understand about having a doula, it's that you're not just hiring someone for the day that you give birth.

A lot of work actually happens before you ever walk into your birth space.

By the time that you call me and say, "Okay, my water broke," or, "These contractions are no joke," I've already gotten to know you.

I've heard about your goals and what you're hoping for and what your partner is hoping for in this labor, and we've already had a lot of conversations, a lot of great conversations, a lot of hard conversations.

We've prepared.

I've probably answered 1,000,001 texts from you, which is literally what I'm here for.

So when you call me in labor, I'm not just walking into a room and meeting you for the first time.

Not to say that that hasn't happened. It literally happened a couple weeks ago.

But I already know you, and that's one of the biggest things that you are paying for essentially when you hire a doula.

You're paying for someone who has been thinking about you and your birth with you for weeks or months before it actually happens, and you're paying for the fact that I'm making space in my life to be available for you when your baby decides that it's time to come earthside.

I'm keeping my phone on.

I'm staying within my call radius.

I'm making sure that all of my childcare is figured out and keeping my birth bag ready and filled with snacks.

There's a whole lot happening behind the scenes that you don't always see.

And then of course, when you finally call me and, you know, baby's coming, then I'm ready to step in and be in that moment with you.

And that is really what I love about this job.

That it's not just being there for your birth.

It's getting to know the person who's having that birth, building that relationship, and then getting to show up when you need me the most.

A Note to Other Doulas

So that's a little peek into what it's actually like to be a doula, but also a mom, and a wife, and a business owner, and a person who apparently thought being on call with three kids sounded like a really good idea.

I hope this gave you a little bit more insight in what happens behind the scenes because I think sometimes the work of a doula can look really simple from the outside.

But there's a lot that goes into it, and I love it.

Even when I'm tired, even when I'm answering a text from a client while getting my kids to bed, even when I'm sitting here wondering when the next baby is going to decide to make their grand appearance.

I love what I do, and I am very, very grateful that I get to do it.

And if you're a doula listening to this, I want you to know that you don't have to stop living your life when you are on call.

I think when you're first starting out, there's this feeling that once you're on call, you can't do anything.

You have to stop everything and just sit at home and wait to be called.

Like, oh my gosh, they're 38 weeks. I'm on call. I can't make plans. I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything because somebody could go into labor, and that's just not sustainable.

You have to live your life.

Go to your appointments.

Go get coffee with your friend.

Go see your family.

Take your kids somewhere.

Do the things that make you feel like a human.

Obviously, be smart about it. Keep your phone with you. Know where you are, how long it might take to get to wherever the labor is going to be. Have a backup plan.

But you can't put your entire life on pause for potentially weeks or months because somebody might go into labor.

Because you're going to get burnt out and be miserable, and that is really not what being a good doula is about.

Being on call means being available, not being locked inside your house waiting for the phone to ring.

And that took a long time for me to understand, and it's something that I've gotten much better at as I've gotten more experienced.

I'm not sitting at home staring at my phone thinking, "Is today the day?"

I'm still living my life.

I'm still a mom, a wife, a friend.

I'm still Ally.

And then when my client needs me, I shift gears, and I go be Ally the doula.

And I think you can do both.

You can be an amazing doula and still have a life outside of birth work.

And honestly, I think that we need that balance if we're going to be doing this work for a long time.

Thank you for hanging out with me for this more personal episode.

If you enjoyed this episode, let me know. I am going to try to do more where it's just me and we're hanging out. So you'll get some more behind the scenes of my life of just being a doula, being a mom, all the things.

You can find me over on Instagram @allythedoula, and you can learn more about my services, my birth partner boot camp, and everything else that I'm working on at allyravendoula.com.

And as always,

You're doing much better than you think.

I'll talk to you soon.

Your doula, Ally